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hey this is Leo for actualised org in this video we're going to talk about how to be yourself alright so let's break into this one how do you be your self how do you be your authentic self how do you stop acting for other people how do you stop being a people pleaser and how do you honor who you really are this is something that I've actually struggled with for pretty much most of my life and it's been a really tough journey that's held me back in a lot of ways always being a people pleaser and always worrying about what other people thought about me I have other videos I have a great video up there that talks about how to stop caring whether people think about you so you might want to check that one out as well but here let's talk about how to be yourself so what I want to go into some of the reasons of why you're behaving this way why you're having difficulty being yourself and I want to give you a couple of ideas about how to start to turn that around so that's what this video is going to be about real quick basically you can probably notice that there are people in the world they're comfortable being who they are they're very grounded they're very solid it's almost like they don't give a [ __ ] there's that type of person maybe you have friends that are like that or you've met people like that and then there's the other type of person which is the type of person that is always living afraid living afraid of what other people will think of them and what they do is they take their authentic self and they bury it and their authentic self it's like this the shining light that's inside of them right picture like a little Sun inside of you the shining beacon of light but what happens is that you put layers and layers of negative beliefs and limiting beliefs and social conditioning religious conditioning bad parenting you put all that on top of it until that that that shining beacon is so covered in grime and dust and mud that literally none of the light can break through just maybe in little places where you have a crack here a crack there and what you've got is you've got this very unenumerated an illuminated beacon and that's what's fueling you and that's how your life your life is coming from that from that place and if you come from this place it's hard to be successful in life it's also has hard to be truly fulfilled and truly happy because your authentic self is buried and you've got all this logic and reasoning and beliefs around why it should remain buried and so unless you go in there and start to dig around really you're not going to fix it what's going to happen is that you're going to keep it buried for the rest of your life and you're not going to be excel phix pressive the way you want to be you're not going to be your glowing radiant self and you're not going to be magnetic and so people will not really be attracted to you as much as they should be and you're going to have trouble in your relationships you're going to have trouble in business and career you're going to have trouble with communication skills with speaking to people with a personal fulfillment to so it's not just about how you interact with others but your personal fulfillment you're going to lack fulfillment on a deep level because you're not able to express yourself so let's talk about what if some of the things that are holding you back the biggest thing that's holding you back is that you've got this mental image you've got literally a mental image or even a movie that you play of what you look like from other people's points of view right it's as though you're being watched I can speak about this very articulately because I'm talking from my own personal direct experience here is that I have this and I've had this for a long time I've really numbed it down lately over the last five years I've really worked a lot of those issues out but I still I still have that lingering and I'm still working through this is that I still when I'm you know when I'm just walking through a crowd or I'm out of Starbucks or I'm at the gym or even when I'm sitting at home it's always as though I'm being watched through a camera I kind of have that sense it's like a sixth sense and on some level this can be nice there could be maybe some advantages to that you're a little bit more reflective you kind of you're more aware and conscious of what you're doing but it's also stifle because you're always looking at yourself as though you were looking and judging yourself as a third person right and you put yourself into other people's shoes and you ask yourself well what is that person think of me you know how did how did this play off how do what I say affect them how did that affect their mood their feelings and that whole game you start playing this game of what other people think about you and you tell yourself that this is actually okay that this is the right way to live you tell yourself that the reason you do this is because you're an empathetic person because you actually care about other people and that's what I told myself as well the problem is that you're too empathetic like everything in life there has to be a balance right and the problem here is that you're overly reactive to what other people think about you I'm not telling you to be a dick I'm not telling to be an [ __ ] or a [ __ ] what I'm telling you is that if you are having difficulty being yourself and you care a lot about what other people think about you then you shift the scale to the other side a little bit towards the uncaring side don't worry you're not going to go overboard it's going to be too hard for you to become totally cold and heartless you're not going to ever get there so but we do need to start to shift you so basically you have to stop caring about what other people think about you anything that will get you to stop caring is going to improve your function life it's going to make you more self expressive I think the core of why you care about what other people think about you is because somewhere deep down inside of you you feel like what they offer you can have true and lasting value and really think about this because this is a deep idea somewhere deep down inside you tell yourself that this person that you're interacting with whether at work or in your relationship and your family with a friend that this person can give you something and that something is is so meaningful it's so valuable that you need it and therefore you will do whatever it takes to get it now this could be a tangible material thing like money but in most cases it's not that it's more ethereal which you're actually after is you're actually you're after approval what you want is approval and approval feels so good right when your self-image is validated by other people when people tell you that you're a nice person when people compliment you on how you dress on how you look on how sexy you are on how masculine you are on how confident you are when people tell you how good a provider you are how much money you're making how much status you have how cool your car is how good you're doing at work how excellent you are how proud they are of you right all of this all these things are basically ways of lavishing you with approval and it might sound on the surface like well what's wrong with that you know what's wrong if someone tells me that they love me what's wrong if someone tells me I did a good job when in fact I did do a good job what's wrong with someone giving me a compliment on how I dressed if I really put in a lot of time and effort and dress really nice shouldn't I get complimented for those things I mean there's nothing really wrong with that as long as you're not going overboard the problem is when you start to need it psychologically it becomes like a crutch it literally becomes like a drug a drug for approval and it can be really difficult to wean yourself off of this and what you're telling yourself deep down somewhere unconsciously is that actually this approval is is something valuable it's something like you need you want it it's so it's so important right either that or something tangible that you're getting maybe it's the the sex that you're getting from your relationship you're telling yourself that well that's something I want that's something that's valuable to me that money that you're getting maybe from your parents or from someone that's supporting you or even from your job you know you tell yourself well I really need that money or that love that you're getting in a relationship or with your friends or you know wherever that's support that you're getting the assistance that you're getting maybe somebody is helping you with something and so you feel kind of indebted to that person a little bit obligated you don't want to rub them the wrong way you know what if you say something honest to that person and then because of that they think that you're some sort of weirdo or they think that they no longer want to associate with you you know that might affect your work relationships maybe that affects your business prospects maybe then your clients will think poorly of you maybe get back around - tough - your social circle so you have all these kinds of thoughts and because of this you think that this is like all these things sex money love assistants approve all these things are valuable and what you're going to discover if you really delve into personal development is you're going to discover that they're actually not valuable at all and what I mean by this is that they can never give you true inner fulfillment these are all things that you can chase and these are all things that are very losery and will make you feel like you're getting it you know like oh if I could just get a little bit more money a little bit more sex a little bit more love a little bit more you know support from my friends a little bit more approval from the people at work or from my boss then I will be happy but that's a big big trap it's a misunderstanding of really how happiness and fulfillment work and really what you're looking for is you're looking there for stimulation and excitement rather than true happiness this is too deep of a topic to cover here if you're really interested in what true happiness is I have a great video on that it's called what is happiness go ahead and search for it there I talked about some very advanced deep concepts I go further into this idea of what happiness is and that it's not what you think it is but for now here's got to take me at my word that these things are really not going to make you fulfilled and so really what you're doing is when you're kind of playing up to somebody else you know when you're holding back your opinions when you're trying to act so that you're perceived in a good way that's basically pretension we might call that pretension and ultimately what you're doing is I want you to realize this is that you're you're whoring yourself out you're being a [ __ ] very literally what does that mean that means that you're acting you're not being authentic to you you're not being yourself somehow you're sacrificing that so that you can get a positive reaction from somebody else right and this happens everywhere in life and you can have all in very very subtle ways I mean literally you could be whoring yourself self out when you go to to a Starbucks right you go to a Starbucks and there's a long line and you're standing in line and you're about to go up and place your order and all of a sudden someone like cuts in front of you as though they had in order before you but you know that they're like they're trying to to get their way in there so they cut in front of you but you say to yourself well what should I do like I really don't like the fact that they cut I should call them out on it but on the other hand I don't want to like cause this whole ruckus and I don't want to like impose myself right I don't want to be perceived as being the jerk like I don't want that guy to think that I'm being rude or something and so you kind of hold yourself back right and you just stand then you're like well I'll just let him go it's not a big deal but see what happened there even though that's like a very small insignificant seeming thing the significance of that is that you weren't you weren't being yourself you were being authentic there because authentically you were upset at that situation and you felt like the right thing to do was to call them out on it but you hesitated you held back and the reason you held back was because you didn't want you know there's there's something that you whoring yourself out for so in this case it just might have been you didn't want him to think bad of you that person that cut you didn't want him to think bad of you and so you just let it slide and if you do that at Starbucks I can only imagine where else you do it in your life in your intimate relationships in your business at work at the gym right it just it's it's a philosophy that you have and I know because I've come from this place and so you lack assertiveness you lack confidence and you basically sacrifice yourself and your own values but more than that you sacrifice your your soul basically you're basically selling your soul for loo heat of approval you're selling your soul for a little hit of love or sex or money or some of that assistance that you're getting in your life somewhere so I want you to recognize that is that that's what you're doing so maybe that's sex you might tell me well sex has value to me I really enjoy sex and love has value for me I need love in my life and I you know I need money what's wrong with money how am I going to pay the bills if I don't have money and you know what's wrong if I need somebody to assist me you know people need assistance from other people well there's nothing wrong with it but you know is it worth the cost of selling out your soul is it worth the cost of all the fulfillment that you're sacrificing that you're laying on the table because that's what you're doing and the worst of it is is that not only are you whoring your out in both subtle and big ways but you're doing it for something that will never make you fulfilled so I understand if you hold yourself out for something that would actually last would be of actual lasting value to you but that's not the case here right someone's opinion of you is not going to make you any more fulfilled if everybody the world loved you that would not make you more happier than anybody else really it wouldn't go and penetrate deep in here it would look nice on the surface and he might make you happy for a few days or for a few weeks or maybe a month or so but it's not really going to he's satisfied and having all the money in the world being the richest person in the world in and of itself is not going to make you any really more satisfied not on the inside it'll look nice on the outside and same thing for you know the love that you're getting from a relationship and the same thing with any kind of approval you're getting from your friends or your boss or your coworkers it's just not it's not going to work because the happiness is is going to come from inside out rather than from outside in so your whoring yourself out really for something that's actually very very shallow too so that's the worst of it is that you're whoring yourself out for that so what's the solution well the solution is to accept that there are real costs to being you there are costs to being you right there's a cost for standing up to truth sometimes people might think of you badly sometimes you might get fired for that right sometimes maybe you'll even get thrown in jail for that certainly a lot of cases in history of famous figures who that's happened to certainly your your spouse might actually leave you and your girlfriend or boyfriend they might break up with you if you actually are your authentic self so those are the costs there are costs I'm not saying that those are necessarily going to be the cost that you incur but those could be some of the costs of being you now you know what's the flip side of this well the flip side of this is that you don't need everyone to like you and in fact it's not even possible to make everyone like you even if you everything perfectly so you have to just accept that certain people will not like you and that it doesn't really matter in fact your best strategy and success chances of success in life chances at fulfillment and chance is that most the most people liking you is to be yourself because when you're yourself your authentic self your magnetic you're attractive people want to be near you maybe not the same people that want to be near your fake self right now so acknowledge that I'm not saying that you can maintain everything in your life as it is and still be yourself you might need to make some sacrifices there might be some costs because chances are right now you [ __ ] yourself out and now you have some social debts right and when I tell you to stop caring about other people and start being authentic well you're going to cope with all sorts of reasons about why that's too costly for you you're going to say well then my boss will say something bad my job might be in danger my relationship might be in danger something else might be in danger well what's more important to you is it more important to you for you to be getting those shallow things or is it more important for you to be self expressive to really be yourself to really be fulfilled inside and then to act from that and to live your life from that and to create a business from that place to create a career from that place to create a nice relationship from that place what's more important I mean you can still keep whoring yourself out if you want to but in the end being a [ __ ] is not a good way to look to go through life so my suggestion is to to bite the bullet on this one and be yourself despite the costs in fact what I'll have you do is we're going to wrap with this something practical I want you to write down a list of all the ways and all the areas in your life where if you started to really act yourself really honest with yourself and expressing yourself honestly where you might incur some costs where there might be some friction and some tension one of those debts that you're now kind of sunk into I want you to write those down at work in your relationship you know in any kind of interactions you having with other people any any area of life write them down maybe you think that you'll have strain in your marriage maybe you'll think you'll have strain at work so write those down and be specific about what the costs are and then when you survey the whole list of costs I want you to say am I satisfied with these costs or am I going to decide to be my authentic self despite the costs [ __ ] the costs be yourself you're going to be much happier and ultimately you're getting more successful - it just might take a while for you to recreate your life a little bit because some of those things might actually fall off your you know off out of your life and when they do you have to be okay with it because you have to recognize that when you are your authentic self now people it's going to be better it's going to be more of a stable success because now people that are going to be attracted to you and situations that you're going to be involved in those are going to be more authentic they're going to be aligned with you right rather than being the Sham that they are right now so you got to stop living this this sham kind of life and the final exercise that I'm going to wrap on is is the following is I want you to observe yourself over the next day in very subtle ways I want you to see how you're whoring yourself out and I want you to call yourself out on it so for example if someone sends you a simple little email and you want to reply to it but then all the sudden you kind of stop yourself and your natural reply you want to kind of you know you want to soften the edges of it you don't wanna be coming off too impolite or too rude or you're worried about what that little paper person is going to how he's going to interpret your response and you kind of dumb down your response on that email make it kind of sweet and polite well notice that notice what you're doing there is that you are whoring yourself out to get a positive reaction from that person and at that point I don't want you to judge yourself this is kind of mindfulness I also have a video on mindfulness you want to check out this is a practicing mindfulness is you just you just observe yourself whoring yourself out and you don't judge yourself you don't say this is bad or good you just let it be and you just follow through carry through [ __ ] yourself out but be conscious this time do it consciously I don't you do that for the whole day and notice the subtle little ways in which you're doing it kind of like that Starbucks example that I gave you all right so this is Leon we'll be signing off be yourself don't be a [ __ ] all right even much happy you're not being a [ __ ] trust me on this one this has been well proven through through hundreds and thousands of years of wisdom books and knowledge that have been written on this stuff so it's definitely a solid principle to follow is to be yourself and pay the costs I'm signing off post me your comments down below please like this and share it click the like button right now if you like this and of course check out actualized at work and sign up to my newsletter when you sign up to the newsletter it's all free I'm releasing exclusive videos and articles and other content and downloads that I'm gonna have for you guys every single week so you're staying on top of this stuff right so what we're doing with actualizado work is we're helping you to master your mind 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